Blue Monday

Life is but a blur right now. My days are long and my life feels tired. I have myself spread so thinly that I can't help but just fall into bed at the end of the day feeling unsatisfied, overwhelmed, and utterly alone.

It is a type of loneliness that only comes when I am too busy to see or talk to my friends. All day long I play phone tag, cut off conversations while I briefly check my email and rush off to my next class, work, meeting, session, tutoring, life. When I do have free time, I try to maintain some form of social life that I cannot cultivate really during the week, but it's just not good enough. I feel unsatisfied with how my relationships are going... a whole week of absence and running around like a mad person and then trying to fit everyone in during the weekend. There is no flow anymore, just intermittent moments of catching up and trying to maintain some connection with each other. I miss everyone... I know we just had an amazing weekend, but days like today make me sad. Maybe it's just Monday.

I have to look on the bright side, at least when you're busy, you don't have time to over-think. We all know that I indulge in this activity far more than is healthy for me. So, when I'm busy, my insomnia tends to disappear, at least in guise... I have been having such odd dreams lately; all of them with the same common underlying anxiety. I tell you, for someone who knows so much about the brain and how it functions, it still boggles my mind will bring to surface all these things I have managed to plunge into the depths of "you're worrying for no reason" and "things will get better." Still, every night I wake up with the uneasiness that my dream was not all fiction, and that if not in life there is no truth, in my heart I feel it was. What then when I can no longer separate reality from imaginary?

the ache never goes away--it flits
and flutters from the corners of my mind
to the inner core. It sits
waiting, ever so unkind
to throw me into one of my fits
when I need it not, especially this time.

I feel a bit fragile right now. I need some reassurance that my life is not headed in the wrong direction. I need some validation that I am not making the wrong decisions. I can't be living my life as if I am just here for the ride... I hate not being in control.

I need some time to think and be honest with myself. But with the schedule I have now, I fear that date will be pushed even further.

I need a break. I need a hug. I need a kind word. I need to know I'm not in this alone.