So far the 2009 has not been so kind

My father always told me that the way you spend your New Years is indicative of the way the whole year will be like. I always thought it was a ploy to have me come home early and not party too hard... just a way to spook me into having a quiet night with the family.

I hope so, because this year hasn't been all great and it's the third week of January.

So, I rang in the New Year with people I've only barely begun to know; one of whom I can say will most likely stick around to celebrate more new years to come, and others who I wish I could say the same. Or maybe who probably would be better off not.

But, I do not and dare not say it because the way things are going, I cannot even be sure if you'll even act like you know me a week from now. And I gave it a chance... despite everything that has happened between us in the past. I went for it, had fun, and then I go away for a bit and come home to that weird homecoming. That was new and not so great. Maybe it's not a big deal, but I don't think so... Your demeanor says a lot, and I didn't see any "hey I'm happy to see you're back" in your body language. Sure, it's great when it is just the both of us. But you become distant and awkward around the eyes of others or after periods of absence... I don't bode well with the hot and cold, you know this. Yes, I want to have fun and just see where it goes... but don't treat me like I'm even less than a friend. Don't do me like that man. And on my birthday too... and I should have guessed you wouldn't know, even when your own friends wished me a good one. Okay yes, birthdays aren't a big deal, but we are friends no? Supposedly, you don't want to lose me as one. As nice as it is to lay around in your bed, making eyes at each other and fooling around... I can do that with someone else, without all the baggage. Sure, I have feelings for you that may hold some expectation but I don't need that. I don't like feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. I like consistency and sincerity. Either you want it or you don't; I don't need to chase after you.

California was amazing. Made me realize a lot of things I didn't really want to know. I left feeling better that I gained some perspective on what I wanted and what I was going to do about it. And then I came back to New York and this shit happened. A follow up post detailing every aspect of the trip will soon come. I'm thinking in a day or two.

I spent my first birthday in years alone. We used to spend months planning out what we would do for our birthdays. Writing each other notes, drawing out elaborate details and getting hyped as the days drew closer. Seems like we're both growing up and growing apart. I guess college does that to people. So what, we didn't find the time to see each other during our last winter break. And so what even though we both were disappointed about it... seems like we didn't really make the effort (I am being honest here). Still, I think we have a bond that won't break easily and despite the changes in our lives... we'll always be the one we turn to when we need to talk to someone. For the real shit. I hope you had a great birthday boo. I love you, forever.

So, birthday night was fun with all the lights and music--friends who I am reluctant to say goodbye to once we march down to get our diplomas in May. Dinner was awesome, we have to go there again. BLVD sucks and I knew this from an experience I had in the summer, but I like mash up parties and I thought it would be a random enough crowd that I wouldn't run into people I didn't want to see. I met an Israeli goddess that night who took me to her place and proceeded to help me celebrate 22 privately. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She told me that I couldn't possibly be a top with nail polish like that. And lets not forget the tiara I was wearing too ha. I don't mind being a bottom for her. She's my new mentor, I always go for the older ones... I love to learn.

My friend told me that she thinks that I actually hate men except for their physical attributes because when I meet men I'm never excited to talk about my rendezvous with them. It's all wham bam thank you sir, no strings attached and hell no there isn't any waiting around for a phone call. She was excitable; I was giddy and girly about it the day after and wouldn't stop talking about it. Of course, this is not me falling head over heels about it.. but it is interesting the lack of hope I have in men.

My father is moving to California with his girlfriend and their dog. Probably by the end of this month or something just as sudden. I don't really know how I feel about this. I'm trying to be mature about it; it's what is best for him blah blah. But really, I feel betrayed, left behind, and forgotten. He joked earlier about me having a sibling... what the fuck. Not to sound excessively spoiled, but no... I refuse to be a stranger to my own family. So, great I go home for the holidays to their house filled with their dog and kid... and I am sleeping in the guest room. It hasn't happened yet, but it just really makes me feel old thinking about how it is going to be.

And for the latest news... I am sick, might be mono. Couldn't talk all day because my tonsil was swollen to the point where talking felt like sharp daggers were stabbing my throat. I've been sleeping since Saturday night, with breaks of waking up drenched in sweat and my fever being too high. This is a great way to spend the first few days of a new age. I can't drink, fuck, smoke, dance, or do anything that might burst my spleen... what the hell am I going to do? That's like all I do. Oh, wait, last semester of school... I guess I can aim for those straight A+'s

Okay, time to finish up watching The L Word, and then going to bed forever.

Oh, by the way... I did end up going to the Under the Radar festival and stumbled upon a gem: REGGIE WATTS. This guy is amazing--hilarious and so talented. His style is unparalleled; he is utterly silly and sings about random shit, while his talent is serious. His voice has this ridiculous range that you forget that he's talking about... whatever it is he's saying.

This doesn't even begin to describe what a live show it like.